Little Black Riding Hood
by Amamiya Toki
Summary: Written for Kuroko's birthday 2013. "My, Grandmother; what weird eyebrows you have." A parody of Little Red Riding Hood that is sure to make you roll about with laughter! Includes Akashi/Kuroko, Kuroko/Kagami, Aomine/Kise and other pairings. One-shot.


After Kise-rella, I thought I'd try another fairy tale parody.

I know Random Reader - Yume has done something similar with the same story, but I already let her know about this one. It's a heck lot different, trust me.

I was going to post this on Thursday, but I realized that I won't have time to. And so...

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN ADVANCE TO KUROKO TETSUYA! **

**AND TO KAMIYA HIROSHI-SAN WHO VOICES AKASHI (AND ALL HIS OTHER AWESOME ROLES).**

Just a note: I'm not sure whether to put this as T-rated or M-rated. If you think that this should be M-rated, let me know.

Also, if you love the story of Little Red Riding Hood, I have written a dark version of it some time back. You can find it at my profile.

Now, enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroko no Basket as well as the original story of Little Red Riding Hood._

* * *

**Little Black Riding Hood**

This story took place once upon a time, in a land far, far away from where we live.

In a small village surrounded by lush forests lived a young girl with her mother. She was a quiet and kind child, and was liked by all the villagers. She was fondly known to all as Little Red Riding Hood, for she wore a red hood everywhere she went.

Little Red Riding Hood was a meek and obedient little girl. She loved to play at the edge of the forests, with the little animals. Sometimes, she would bring them treats from her mother's bakery.

One fine day, Little Red Riding Hood's mother decided to give a little surprise.

"Tetsuya! Tetsuya, where are you?"

"I am here, Akashi-kun… I mean, Mother. For what reason did you call me?"

"Take a look! Isn't this magnificent?"

"Is that… my red hood?"

"Have you gone blind, Tetsuya? It's your **black** hood."

"But it was red before."

"Of course. I decided to dye it black."

"And for what reason did decide to dye it black?"

"It should be obvious, Tetsuya. The colour red is **my** trademark. I refuse to let someone else wear it."

"But I'm already wearing red."

"Well, red is not the only colour, so it's fine, isn't it?"

"What kind of bias is that?"

"In any case, you **will** be known as Little Black Riding Hood from now on. Do you comprehend?"

"Yes, Mother."

"And the Narrator, please change your script accordingly. Let us continue."

…

Right.

So Little Red Riding Hood became Little Black Riding Hood, but he was still loved dearly by the villagers all the same.

One fine day, when she was of the age of sixteen, her mother decided to send her out on an errand.

Handing her a basket of cheese, bread and a bottle of wine, her mother said,

"Go to your grandmother's house in the forest."

"Grandmother?"

"Yes. Your grandmother."

"And who is playing the grandmother again?"

"Think of clingy, over-smothering grandmothers."

"Oh. Him."

"So take this basket and get going already. I don't time to waste here; I'm a very busy man, you see."

"But…"

"No excuses, Tetsuya. Now be a good little boy and do what Mommy asks of you."

"But Aka— Mother… I can't go out dressed like this."

"Why not? It's a lovely outfit."

"The skirt is too short… It can barely cover anything."

"You are exaggerating, Tetsuya. I have specially tailored it so that the hem is exactly five centimetres from your bottom."

"Still, it's way too short."

"Deal with it, then."

"What's this? Tetsu's wearing a mini-skirt? Somehow, that looks really erotic."

"Daiki. What are you doing here? It isn't your time to go on stage yet. You are supposed to be the woodcutter, am I right?"

"Yeah. But I was bored, so I came to play."

"Aomine-kun, that remark of yours is not appreciated."

"Are you angry, Tetsu?"

"I'll be lying if I said I wasn't."

"But it's true. That dress suits you. Akashi, you've done a great job on this, as always."

"Of course. Who do you think I am?"

"But there's one thing I'm curious about. Tetsu, are you wearing those?"

"Those?"

"You know what I mean. Since you're already dressed like a girl, it would make sense if you also wore those under… Oh. Wow. I didn't think you'd really wear them. And they have lace on them, too. They look good on your—"

"Daiki. Who gave you permission to flip my precious daughter's skirt?"

"I-I'm sorry, Akashi!"

"If you are truly sorry, then go back to where you belong."

"Y-Yes! I'll be going!"

"Good. And don't come back. Tetsuya, are you all right?"

"That was rather embarrassing."

"Shall Mother give you a hug to comfort you?"

"I'll pass, thank you."

"But why?"

"Well… I think I better leave now."

"Oh. One more thing, Tetsuya."

"What is it?"

"Do not talk to strangers."

"I understand. How old do you think I am?"

"You will always be my baby, my dear. And one more thing: Be careful in the forest. They say a wild, man-eating animal lives in there."

"A wolf?"

"Who knows?"

"Well then, I'll be going now."

"Have a safe trip!"

Donning her signature black hood and with her basket in hand, Little Black Riding Hood set off for her grandmother's house.

"And I would appreciate if you left out the 'little' part, Narrator-san."

But it sounds better that way.

"… Fine."

And so, Little Black Riding Hood made her way into the forest, humming a little tune under her breath as she went along.

She loved the forest. It always gave her a sense of peace. The song of the birds from the trees above came from above, as if they were welcoming her. The canopy of the tall trees stretched far and wide, it never fails to shade the path from the glare of the sun, even in the hottest summers.

It was then the rustle of bushes caught her attention.

"Who's there?"

_"Shit! How did he know I was here?"_

"Please stop hiding and show yourself."

"Err… Hi?"

"That was lame, Kagami-kun."

"Well, sorry for my failed entrance! And why are you wearing such a short—"

"Don't ask. So what are you supposed to be? A… tiger?"

"I think so."

"What do you mean by that? And it was supposed to be a wolf, not a tiger."

"Really?"

"… You didn't know?"

"I didn't!"

"Well, it can't be helped, then."

"Somehow, the way you said that offends me."

"I'm sorry if I did."

"It's fine. So what are we supposed to do now?"

"Why are you asking me this? You're supposed to try to eat me, right?"

"Oh. Right…"

"What's with that half-assed answer?"

"But wait. When you say 'eat', do you mean…"

"Kagami-kun, why are you blushing? Of course I don't mean it in that sense. You don't expect us to do it on stage, do you?"

"O-Of course I don't!"

"… Kagami-kun is such a pervert. You're just as bad as Aomine-kun."

"Don't compare me to that guy! And stop looking at me like that! You'll give the audience the wrong idea if you keep pouting and giving those puppy-eyed stares?"

"What pouts and puppy-eyed stares?"

"You… Don't play dumb!"

"Would the two of you idiots stop flirting and continue with the story?!"

"Hyuuga! Calm down!"

"So shall we start following the script now? Like Hyuuga-senpai, the narrator might not be happy that we're wasting time and paragraph space here."

"Yeah. So… erm, Hi, Little Black Riding Hood.

"Hello, Mister Tiger."

"Lovely day, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. So what?"

"Err… Where are headed on this fine afternoon?"

"Like I'd tell you, idiot."

"Oi!"

"Which is what I would like to say, but if I did, the story cannot progress."

"I'm glad you're aware of that."

"So I'm just going to say that I'm going to my grandmother's house. Now that I have told you that, please hurry and reach there before me."

"Who are you to order me around?"

"That's how the story goes. You're supposed to eat grandmother and pose as her. And when I reach there, you'll have to try and eat me, too. So if you would excuse me, I'm going to pick some flowers to kill time."

And so, while Little Black Riding Hood was distracted, the Tiger rushed over to Grandmother's house.

Approaching the house, he gave the door two sharp knocks.

However, even after waiting for several minutes, there was sign of no answer.

"Huh? Hey! Is anyone home?"

He banged on the door again. This time, with more force.

Again, there was no response.

Frustrated, the tiger decided to break down the door.

"Take this, you rotten piece of wood!"

The door swung open with a speed faster than light; and with an equally deadly speed, swung back to smack the tiger in the face.

"THAT HURTS!"

Good kids watching this, please do not imitate the actions of this stupid tiger.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

"Ahaha… Taiga hasn't changed a bit."

"That aside, Muro-chin, want some pocky?"

"Don't mind if I do. Thank you, Atsushi."

"No problem, Muro-chin."

"There's another idiot couple flirting over there."

"Chill, Hyuuga."

"Hyuuga, are you jealous?"

"Like hell I am."

"Kiyoshi, that was adding oil to the fire."

"A fire? Where?"

"It's only a figure of speech."

And so, the tiger invited himself into dear Grandmother's house.

The inside of the house was dark, and if it weren't for the tiger's sharp senses, he would have tripped over the umbrella stand that had been knocked over in the hallway.

"What happened here?"

The tiger, feeling his stomach growl violently, started to search for food.

"This apple pie's the best!"

And when I mean food, I mean Grandmother.

"Oh."

Since the tiger in this story is supposed to be a man-eating creature, after all.

"Is that so?"

Yes.

"I'm sorry."

Don't be.

Anyway, where were we?

Oh yes. There.

So, the tiger started hunting around the house for dear old Grandmother, who seemed to have gone missing.

However, all that could be found was a change of clothes on the bedroom floor.

Grandmother was nowhere to be found.

"Maybe he went out shopping?"

Maybe.

But the story has to go on. Little Black Riding Hood would be coming soon.

So, Mister Tiger, please pretend that you have eaten Grandmother and pose as her.

"So that would mean that I have to wear this…?"

Yes.

"BUT IT'S A BLOODY FROCK!"

Deal with it.

"I agree with Narrator-san. Please deal with it, Kagami-kun. And there is no blood on it. You'll make the readers misunderstand."

"UWAH! Kuroko! Where did you come from? And when did you get here?"

"I just reached here."

"So quickly?!"

"You're just slow, Kagami-kun. So have you eaten Kise-kun… I mean, Grandmother yet?"

"No! I can't find him anywhere!"

"So why are his clothes on the floor?"

"It was like this when I came here!"

"And you're not dressed yet?"

"I don't want to wear this!"

"But how are you going to pose as Grandmother if you don't?"

"I'll… figure something out."

"Just wear it and deal with it. It's only for the scene. I'll give you five minutes, so hurry up. Narrator-san is waiting."

Thank you, Little Black Riding Hood.

"No problem. You owe me a vanilla milkshake."

…

So, Little Black Riding Hood finally arrived at her grandmother's.

Feeling that something was off, she pushed the door open slowly.

"Why is it so dark in here? Grandmother? Where are you?"

"In here."

A deep voice croaked from the bedroom.

"Grandmother, why is it so dark in here?"

"I don't like bright places, you see; it pierces my eyes. Come closer, my dear, so I can see you."

"Uh… right."

"Don't be so shy, dear. Come, onto my lap."

"No thanks; I'll just sit on the bed."

"If… you wish."

"My, Grandmother; what big hands you have."

"All the better to hold you with, my dear."

"My, Grandmother; what big eyes you have."

"All the better to look at your lovely face with, my dear."

"My, Grandmother; what a big nose you have."

"All the better to take in your sweet scent in with, my dear."

"My, Grandmother; what weird eyebrows you have."

"It's… a new trend."

"Is that so? My, Grandmother; what a big mouth you have."

"All the better… TO EAT YOU WITH!"

…

"…"

"…"

And the tiger revealed his identity to Little Black Riding Hood.

However, Little Black Riding Hood did not budge.

"You don't make a very convincing tiger, Kagami-kun. I have to say that I'm not impressed."

"Sorry for not being able to act up to your standard!"

"You didn't even put in any effort, didn't you? Such a weak attack. Are you really trying to eat me?

"Well… yeah?"

"Come, let me show you how to eat someone up."

"O-Oi! What are you trying to, Kuroko?"

"I'm going to eat Kagami-kun."

"Hah?"

"Ittadakimasu."

"Wha—nghh…"

…

…

Oh my.

Little Black Riding Hood lunged at the Tiger, knocking the poor beast down onto the bed.

Readers, please use your imagination to visualize this steamy scene.

Meanwhile, let's see what the audience have to say.

"This idiot couple! I've had it! I'm going up there to teach them a lesson!"

"Me too! I'm coming with you, Hyuuga-kun!"

"Captain! Coach! Kiyoshi, help us! They're losing it!"

"Coming!"

"Oh wow. Who knew that Kuroko boy was so daring. I always thought Taiga was the one who was on top."

"Kuro-chin looks submissive, but he has always been the dominant type."

"Oh? So he's like you, Atsushi."

"Is that how it seems?"

"W-What imprudence!"

"Shin-chan, calm down. They're just making out. It's no biggie."

"In case you haven't noticed, they're doing it on stage, Takao!"

"So you're saying you want us to do it up there too? Shin-chan, you're unexpectedly bold."

"That's not what I'm trying to imply!"

"And I'm surprised he's actually wearing THAT under that short skirt. With the way he's positioned now, we can see EVERYTHING from here."

"Miyaji, shut them up for me."

"With pleasure. Kimura. Give me two durians. And a thick pair of gloves."

"I have them right here."

"Why am I glad Kise isn't the only one who hasn't embarrassed himself yet?"

"Don't speak too soon, Kasamatsu."

"Hahh… Kuroko, you… Where did you learn to kiss like that?"

"Kagami-kun tastes sweet, with a tinge of spice; almost like apple pie. Just the way I like it. I want another taste."

"O-Oi! We can do that later! There are people watching!"

"All the more we should. That way, everyone will know that Kagami-kun is mine."

"Y-You…! G-Get off me already!"

"Shy-boy Kagami-kun is cute too."

"Cut it out!"

"Tsk. Fine."

"By the way, where exacty did Kise run off too?"

"Beats me. Aomine-kun isn't here too. He's supposed to have entered the scene already, but I didn't even see him backstage since Kise-kun went on set."

"So both Kise and Aomine are missing?"

"Yes. Why do you sound so happy about it, Kagami-kun?"

"It's nothing."

It was then Little Black Riding Hood heard a mysterious sound.

"…? Kagami-kun, do you hear something? Like a bump?"

"From where?"

"I don't know, but it seems like it nearby. There it is again."

"Ah. Now I hear it too. Sounds like it's coming from the closet."

_"Crap! They found us!"_

_"Shh…!"_

"What do you think is inside it?"

"A dog, maybe?"

_"A-Ahh…!"_

"Dogs don't moan like that, Kagami-kun."

"I know. Wait. A moan?"

_"No! Kagami, you idiot! Don't open the—"_

Too late.

The tiger opened the door to discover…

"Aomine! And Kise!"

… The woodcutter and Grandmother.

"Oh wow. Looks like the two of them have been going at it for quite a while. That not-so inconspicuous white spot over there is going to be hard to clean later, though."

"Kagami! Why did you have to open the door?"

"Why are the two of you there in the first place? And put on some clothes, for heaven's sake!"

"Can't you give us a bit of privacy, huh?"

"That's not the issue here, Aominecchi…"

"Well, at least we all know where Ryouta and Daiki went."

"Akashicchi!"

"We are so dead."

"It's all your fault, Aominecchi!"

"Hah? Why me?"

"You and your unstoppable libido!"

"Don't make a reference to my character song! Besides, who was the one who seduced me, huh?"

"Kise! I had faith in you! How dare you disgrace the holy name of Kaijou; I'll hit you later!"

"Kasamatsu-senpai, it's not what you—"

"Enough of this farce. How long are you going to make the narrator wait, all of you?"

"We're sorry!"

"As for you, Kagami Taiga…"

"Huh? Me?"

"Yes, you. You may be Tetsuya's, but do not forget that Tetsuya is mine. Do you comprehend?"

"In your dreams!"

"Y-You dare to refute me?"

"I do!"

"Your head's held too high! Tetsuya, say something about this foolish idiot."

"Kagami-kun may be an idiot, but he's my idiot. I won't allow anyone to take me away from him… even if it's you, Akashi-kun."

"So bold, Kurokocchi!"

"T-T-Tetsuya… You… You idiot!"

"Is Akashi… crying?"

"Akashicchi just went out of character. That's rare…"

"Are you sure it's okay to tell him off like that, Tetsu?"

"Leave him be. He'll recover sooner or later. And now, Narrator-san, if you'd please…"

Thank you.

And so, Little Black Riding Hood decided to adopt the tiger, much to his mother's dismay, and the three of them are one loving family.

The woodcutter and Grandmother decide to get married and the two now live in the woods together, where they spend every day with joy and love (at least, until one of them kicks the bucket).

And as they always say, they lived happily ever after.

The end.


End file.
